Dearest Ivory, Jewel of My Heart, Most Tenderest Blossom That Ever Was Reborn Into This Age of Sorrows, Most Compassionate and Merciful Radiant Goddess Who Brings Tears to My Eyes Even Now,
I hope you are well.
Furthermore, I trust that my boot is still in your possession, you having cunningly made off with it while I was otherwise engaged. I applaud your zeal and bravado, which nearly matches mine own.
Now, I will gladly relieve you of said boot at your convenience, simply tell me when and where. I am dispatching this letter to you by magical missive, such that it will find you wherever you are. Pity I cannot mail you a far more glorious gift, myself.
Wherever you are, I do hope that you will reply hastily. I am busy searching for you throughout the Southern desert reaches, but I have, as of yet, met with little luck. The sand crabs here, however, do pinch with sudden and unexpected fierceness. My nape and shoulders are the brilliant color of fresh cherries, entirely pleasant to behold if not for the sting.
Patiently yours, for always,